MarketingtheMuse FOLLOWERS-PLEASE GO TO www.MARLAMILLER.COM -40  FREE Quick Query video Critiques found there!!

The following is the first  Quick Query Critique session I’ve fashioned after  Marketing the Muse’s real-time workshops that run something like this: the author reads the query letter to the workshop and remains silent through critique. I always add my two cents last.

In last month’s newsletter, I asked subscribers to send a query letter, offering a complimentary critique to the first letter delivered into my e-mailbox. My MARCH 2010  Marketing the Muse newsletter posted this query letter – sans the critique -  now offered here.

QUICK QUERY CRITIQUE

In brief, several roadblocks on my first read through made me wonder if I wanted to know more about this story. Remember, the intention of the query letter is to hook the reader.

Dear Ms.

I’m writing because I’d like you to represent my novel, (title).

First sentence not needed-

Gossip flies in a small town, when over the course of a weekend snow storm, casual interactions between diverse characters snowball their lives in a new direction.  Things are not what they seem and the closer the characters come to each other, the murkier they appear.

Two long sentences (above) that don’t set up the next graph (below) about a 19 year old married to the town’s mayor.

The mayor’s wife, Jade, a nineteen-year-old girl who is more  than willing to try anything for love, leaves her husband for a suicidal mill worker, Sam J.  Sam’s landlord, Neil G, is an ex-con obsessed with tracking his tenants’ comings and goings, and he regularly steals from them.  He becomes unhinged by the girl’s arrival while her husband, Wade, drives off into the snow storm, only to find more peril.  As their stories accidentally intersect they must confront their own trappings and consider the risks of success.

Is this historical Romance? If  present day, I wonder about a mayor married to 19 year old. I also wonder about a 19 year old who leaves her husband for a suicidal worker? Do I want to know more about them? Is Wade the mayor’s name? Jade & Wade? Were they aiming for success? No hint of it here. Author says plot threads intersect but I don’t know what this story is about and therefore can’t see threads connecting.

My short fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in (names 3 journals)  and other great journals.  My story, (Title), was nominated for the 2009 Pushcart Prize.  I have an M.F.A. in Writing from (a well known liberal arts college).  I’m married and have two (children).  I am currently working on my second novel.

Impressive credentials except for me there’s a disconnect between the author’s credentials and this query letter.

Thank you for your time.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Author’s name

Last word: In my humble, this author has more work to do crafting a query letter that reflects the story she has written. For many, writing short is much more of a challenge than writing long. In real time workshops, this author is invited to ask questions.

Given the constraints imposed by this medium, I hope this quick query critique is helpful to all.  My Marketing the Muse team is working on closing the gaps between my real-time and cyber workshops.

Stay tuned and keep writing.

Marla